Never did I think I would use the phrase - big pears a problem

A council's threatened to cut down several pear trees because of the risk posed by their unusually large falling fruit.

Council members say the trees grew fruit the size of cricket balls last year, but are now a hazard to residents of Islington in north London.

I’ve never had a problem with pear drops.

Do you think these people get to sleep at night for worrying……cos I don’t think they even get to bed.

They’re probably measuring the incline and height of each step on their staircase to see if they pose a risk to users.

Christmas Health Warning

The latest health warning today is that millions of people could be allergic to Christmas trees.

Allergy specialists believe that fir trees are behind the annual surge in wheezing, runny eyes, rashes and headaches….and add…those allergic to mould should not keep live Christmas trees for more than a couple of days.

And that’s what causes the headaches and the ill feeling.

Wow. I’d always put that down to polishing off an entire vat of plonk and eating enough to keep Wales going.

Silly me. It was that blooming tree all along.

Actually….you know what….here’s a thing.

As far as safety goes….do you think we should cancel Christmas altogether?

I mean …come on….Fat Pensioner ….with no luminous bib….out driving …icy conditions….in the middle of the night with a badly packed load….and no doubt a few egg-noggs the worse for wear.

How…in all seriousness can we claim to be a safe society?

I don’t know how you can sleep at night.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The Doctor will see you.......sometime

It’s always the way isn’t it?

You make a doctor’s appointment for something….and by the time you get an appointment….whatever it is, has either gone, or isn’t half as bad as it was…and you feel like a fraud when you walk in.

I had an appointment booked in for yesterday for a sore shoulder….which cleared up…so I tried to call in the morning to cancel, and it was one of those computerised options….you know…."press 1 for halitosis", 1, "Eeeuuuuhhhh you’ve got manky breath."

Now I cursed myself because I was using one of the other phones in the house which is an antique bell telephone.

If you ever watch something like Poirot or Miss Marple…and they’re in an old fashioned hotel where the butler brings out a big black rotary dial telephone on a silver platter for the guest to take the call…..it’s one of them. They’re great…but of absolutely no use whatsoever when you’re asked to press 1 on your phone. It just kept playing through the options…..and it was only then hat I heard it.

"Thank you for calling the surgery…in order to assist us directing your call please listen to the following options carefully. If your call is regarding appointments…please press 1. If you are phoning for test results or to speak to a nurse…please press 2….if you are calling in an emergency….please press 3.

IN AN EMERGENCY!!!

Can you imagine…."Oh damn ….press 3…." ....you’re already holding the phone with the hand you didn’t lose in the accident….whilst trying to stem the flow of blood with your teeth.

No smoke without.....er actually - just - No Smoke.

In the news - a town's bonfire night has been banned because council bosses say the smoke goes against their clean air campaign.

Slough Borough Council says it doesn't want to be seen as hypocritical after launching the new initiative.

Do you know what – sometimes you can over-think things.

If they’d just said nothing, and gone ahead, nobody would have batted an eyelid.

But no…..now it’s an issue…and what’s actually happened? They look like the bam-pots they are simply because they over-reacted worrying how to do ‘the right thing’.

I’m going to write a book where we collect all these daft decisions….and it’ll be called…"Baa Baa Sheep of irrelevant colouring, have you any wool or artificially designed fibre equivalent?