Things that concern me - 5

I should really say before I start this - the thing which is concerning me most right now is my amazing and somewhat alarming capacity to moan about absolutely anything and everything at the moment!

I'm making Victor Meldrew look shy and retiring by comparison.

That being said, I'm pretty much over it.

So, next on the agenda : The UK's fixation with DIY.

I've never quite understood this, but it is Britain's biggest pre-occupation, and has been for as long as I can remember.

Personally, I operate a policy of YDI (You Do It), but it would appear I'm in the minority.

Every weekend, but especially on Bank Holidays, there's a mad rush for B+Q, as eager homeowners rattle through the many aisles, loading up trolleys with paint, brushes, doorbells, that stuff that you put round between the ceiling and the top of the wall paper, that looks sort of posh but is really only there to cover up the fact you couldn't cover up.

That, and anything else you'll never get round to doing but which looks good in your trolley and gives you the one up on the bloke in the neighbouring queue.

It's almost a DIY macho face-off.

Forgive me if I'm supposed to be that bloke, cos I'm not, and moreover, I'm never going to be.

I know my limitations and happily duck out of DIY as a result.

That admission from the son of a very handy sparkie as well. I guess sometimes it skips a generation.

But here's my point.

Why do we do this?

My answer?

Laurence Llewellyn Bowen.

That bloke who looks like he became a musketeer by mistake, possibly because he liked the uniforms.

It's all down to him, and the clutch of morons who sprung up with him, like weeds that refused to die off.

They all told us how easy it was to make our homes into palaces. Apparently it's all down to the miracle that is MDF.

From what I understand, you use some of that to box in your radiator and your house will sell for 20 grand more than it would have otherwise.

It's all been a revelation to me.

But then, I was the sort of average fella who thought yellow was one colour. If you've just read that and thought....'well, yellow is one colour', my advice to you is run.

Run now.

Sprint for the hills whilst your innocence is preserved. Live in a cave and paint it many colours, but never ever worry about whether they're any other colour than the ones you know of, because it's alright to think something is yellowish and not 'Winter Sun' ...or 'Golden Cream'...or 'Harvest Moon'...or whatever else they've come up with this week.

Run.

I was that soldier.

I fought that battle so you didn't have to.

And lost.

Big time.

My psyche was splattered into submission. In a sort of pillar box red....or maybe crimson.

Do you know, I'm not really sure - but the main point is, I was broken by DIY. I'm scarred and will never recover.

As far as DIY goes - this is my line of defence.

I'm rubbish at it. Put me in charge and I wouldn't even know where to begin. I do actually know of a company which is called 'We Repair What Your Husband Fixed'.

I am that husband - but I'm not ashamed of it.

Why should I know what to do? Why should I deprive people of earning a living when they've trained for years to undertake that specific job?

It's true.

OK, finding a tradesman of any kind these days is difficult to say the least.

They're like hen's teeth. Finding one you trust and are happy with ...even more difficult.

But worth it.

Let's look at this objectively. What you're saying is, you can watch a DIY programme on the telly, and, as a result, have a go at doing up your house a bit.

Fair enough.

I watched ER last week. On that particular episode someone suffered a massive heart attack. I was glued to it. Transfixed.Next night I was out for a meal with my wife. All of a sudden I heard a crash and swivelled around in my seat. One of the people at the table next to me had collapsed and stopped breathing.

Automatically I jumped up and said calmly but forcefully "It's OK everybody, I watched ER last night, and I think I know what's happened here. So whatever you do, don't call an ambulance, that will only cost money in the long run. I'll take care of it. Now, which end do I blow into?"

Ludicrous isn't it.

And now you understand my point.